Swine flu is the new snow day.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
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Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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