You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
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She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
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so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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