Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
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"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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