I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
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I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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