So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
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Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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