I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
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Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
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my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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