with your own penis?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
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are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
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You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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