My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize