He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize