Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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