When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
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Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
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Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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