He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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