My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
