i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
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Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
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When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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