whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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