the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
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I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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