woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
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You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
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Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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