I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
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I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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