You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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