Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(314): View more from Missouri

I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.

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(518): View more from New York

I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

3 2 1 whiskey

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(925): View more from California

It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.

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