The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize