Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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