Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
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i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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