sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
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So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
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She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Randomize