had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
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I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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