I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
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i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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