hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
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What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
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I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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