the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize