So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
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I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
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There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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