thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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