there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
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I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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