This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Vodka?
Forever.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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