I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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