im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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