Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
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Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
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Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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