the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
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Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
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So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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