Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
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I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
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I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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