You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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