Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
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Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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