god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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