Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
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Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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