I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize