Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What drink are we having for lunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize