you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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