Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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