My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
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He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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