Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
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You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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