If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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