I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
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yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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