Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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