Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
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i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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