Define "chronic" masturbator.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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