That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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