Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
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there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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